Excerpt from the diary of a very dear friend. Reproduced with permission:
Have I thought enough over the events of the recent past? Things have been a bit of a whirlwind. For each, from total ignorance of the other’s existence, to coast-to-coast travel for no purpose other than meeting, would tend to indicate very rapid progress indeed.
Progress actually is not the word. Progression works much better. Progress implies a continuous, or, at the very least, a tiered, desirable elevation in the levels of intensity, maturity, closeness, or whatever else defines a relationship. Progression indicates that certain necessary events in a known chain have occurred. Whether to progress or retrogress the relationship, it remains to be seen.
Ironically enough, real progress had been made earlier. One went from total strangers to people who “very much want[ed] this to happen”. I am not sure one has made that kind of progress after one has met. One may not have retrogressed (although one can sit and dread what the other is going to say when he gets on the phone next), but, at the very least, one, or the other, or both (hmm, confusing, isn’t it?) has put some kind of brakes on. I don’t necessarily mean that in a negative sense. I think that rather than rushing headlong over terrain that one does not fully understand, a more sobering speed introduces an element of control. It is my opinion that this relationship has a much better probability of success at a slower pace, than risking the “burnout” that he has been already wary about.
Of course, all of this analysis is of any use only in the event that he has not changed his mind about how he feels about the relationship. If he has, then all analysis is moot. I have asked him, quite categorically I have to admit, if this were a No. He has denied that it is. Is that truly his answer? Or, was he inhibited into politeness? I don’t know. From what I do know of him, I think, and hope, and pray that he spoke his mind.
He spoke his mind about other things. He spoke his mind about being claustrophobic being in close proximity with one person for hours and hours. I’m supposed to not take that personally (his words). I try not to. I think I have the emotional intelligence to know what he means. I just find it hard, physically already being there, to find an elegant way to leave him alone; get out of his way and give him his space. No, I didn’t get him wrong: he did not want to get rid of me. He just needed to be rid of me for a while. There is a difference.
Does he still feel that he very much wants this to happen? I don’t know. That want itself was supposed to have been predicated on things having gone “right”. Did they? I’m sure not all did. Doubtless, there have been disappointments. Both he and I would be less than human if there weren’t. I am sure, for I have asked him and he has offered to share them by phone as he is uncomfortable analyzing them face to face. The question is, is analysis the word? Or, has the analysis already occurred and one is only waiting with bated breath for the result? What will that verdict be?
I know what my own disappointments have been. I cannot count anything as major. Certainly nothing that is bigger than what the two of us have together. Will he see his disappointments in the same light and in the same relative terms as I do? Or, will he let the disappointments cloud his vision and ignore all the rest? All the reasons that made him “want this to happen”? I asked him not too long ago: How long has it been since you felt like this? He answered: A long, long time ago. Will he remember that?
Will he remember that he used to wish I was there and then realize he hadn't yet met me? That he missed me a little even though he never lets himself miss people? Will he remember the Van Gogh print of white roses that must hang on the wall? The area rugs, accent lights and candles? Will he remember that he would get very spoilt if I let him?
Will he remember that he told me, in Maya Angelou’s words, that when I, unbidden, take him back to long-ago rooms, he cries? Will he remember that I too, had replied in Maya Angelou’s words, asking him to give me his hand?
Will he remember that he said he knows inside himself that I would always find him?
Does he know that he has been found?
End of excerpt.
[All posts ©opyright of the author. Syndication rights reserved.]
Image ©opyright Niladri Roy.
Have I thought enough over the events of the recent past? Things have been a bit of a whirlwind. For each, from total ignorance of the other’s existence, to coast-to-coast travel for no purpose other than meeting, would tend to indicate very rapid progress indeed. Progress actually is not the word. Progression works much better. Progress implies a continuous, or, at the very least, a tiered, desirable elevation in the levels of intensity, maturity, closeness, or whatever else defines a relationship. Progression indicates that certain necessary events in a known chain have occurred. Whether to progress or retrogress the relationship, it remains to be seen.
Ironically enough, real progress had been made earlier. One went from total strangers to people who “very much want[ed] this to happen”. I am not sure one has made that kind of progress after one has met. One may not have retrogressed (although one can sit and dread what the other is going to say when he gets on the phone next), but, at the very least, one, or the other, or both (hmm, confusing, isn’t it?) has put some kind of brakes on. I don’t necessarily mean that in a negative sense. I think that rather than rushing headlong over terrain that one does not fully understand, a more sobering speed introduces an element of control. It is my opinion that this relationship has a much better probability of success at a slower pace, than risking the “burnout” that he has been already wary about.
Of course, all of this analysis is of any use only in the event that he has not changed his mind about how he feels about the relationship. If he has, then all analysis is moot. I have asked him, quite categorically I have to admit, if this were a No. He has denied that it is. Is that truly his answer? Or, was he inhibited into politeness? I don’t know. From what I do know of him, I think, and hope, and pray that he spoke his mind.
He spoke his mind about other things. He spoke his mind about being claustrophobic being in close proximity with one person for hours and hours. I’m supposed to not take that personally (his words). I try not to. I think I have the emotional intelligence to know what he means. I just find it hard, physically already being there, to find an elegant way to leave him alone; get out of his way and give him his space. No, I didn’t get him wrong: he did not want to get rid of me. He just needed to be rid of me for a while. There is a difference.
Does he still feel that he very much wants this to happen? I don’t know. That want itself was supposed to have been predicated on things having gone “right”. Did they? I’m sure not all did. Doubtless, there have been disappointments. Both he and I would be less than human if there weren’t. I am sure, for I have asked him and he has offered to share them by phone as he is uncomfortable analyzing them face to face. The question is, is analysis the word? Or, has the analysis already occurred and one is only waiting with bated breath for the result? What will that verdict be?
I know what my own disappointments have been. I cannot count anything as major. Certainly nothing that is bigger than what the two of us have together. Will he see his disappointments in the same light and in the same relative terms as I do? Or, will he let the disappointments cloud his vision and ignore all the rest? All the reasons that made him “want this to happen”? I asked him not too long ago: How long has it been since you felt like this? He answered: A long, long time ago. Will he remember that?
Will he remember that he used to wish I was there and then realize he hadn't yet met me? That he missed me a little even though he never lets himself miss people? Will he remember the Van Gogh print of white roses that must hang on the wall? The area rugs, accent lights and candles? Will he remember that he would get very spoilt if I let him?
Will he remember that he told me, in Maya Angelou’s words, that when I, unbidden, take him back to long-ago rooms, he cries? Will he remember that I too, had replied in Maya Angelou’s words, asking him to give me his hand?
Will he remember that he said he knows inside himself that I would always find him?
Does he know that he has been found?
End of excerpt.
[All posts ©opyright of the author. Syndication rights reserved.]
Image ©opyright Niladri Roy.
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