Of Loss, Regret and Finding Peace

I have never written about the loss of a loved one. I have been through two of them myself in quick succession. My parents died within ten days of each other, a few years ago.

I had no numbness of shock; I have no quarrel with the inevitable. What I was not prepared for was the flood of memories. Memories that haunt one with a crystal clarity as if they had happened yesterday – no, as if they were happening right now. As if one could just turn around and there they would be.

I had regrets. Regrets for all the things that I had wanted to do for them, and either couldn’t or kept postponing. With regret, came guilt. I did not want to rationalize my inaction, but I ended up doing that anyway. But, I didn’t forgive myself for them.

Time passed. I see things a little more in perspective now. I understand that in the greater scheme of things what matters is that I loved them all the same. Still do. I never really lost the regret, but I was able to deal with the guilt.

Somewhere, inside me, there is someone still rationalizing away the reverse: that I probably am still guilty of inaction: for all the things that I did not or could not do. I have finally figured that if, indeed, that is the case, I will ask for forgiveness from those that I wronged. And in their unquestionable assurance of forgiveness, I know I will find peace.

I hope others after me who find themselves in the same situation will take heart from what I have been through and be able to find peace within themselves.


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Image ©opyright Niladri Roy.